Breakdown

I have not told too many people this but from what I can tell, over the past couple weeks I have slipped back into a very bad depression. I feel like I cannot do anything but cry anymore. I try to be happy and think of things that I have to be happy about but everything just makes me cry more. It is not very fun. I am just miserable. I feel very alone and scared. I don't have friends close by with whom I can share my feelings or at least feel validated as a person. Last week my mom and dad were telling me how selfish I am so I just broke down and told them that I know I am a worthless person and that I don't have much to live for but I don't need them reminding me about it.

That's what bothers me. I know that God made me and because he made me I am worth something but I just don't feel like I matter to anyone right now. If I was not here I don't think anyone would even notice. I really hate feeling this way because, like I said I know that my life has a purpose and that I wouldn't be here if it didn't but I am having a lot of trouble seeing it.

I am living the lyrics of "Five Stars for Failure" right now.

Anyway, tonight I went to my small group. I love going there. I really look forward to it each week. Well, tonight when we were sharing prayer requests for some reason I asked the girls to pray for me and my depression. I don't know why I did it. It is such a personal thing. (I say this after I confessed to suffering depression immediately after asking for prayer for my chronic bleeding and pelvic pain by the way). But really, admitting to depression is a very vulnerable thing. I don't know why I did it but it came out before I could stop the words. Almost like the time I told Chris P. that some Tastykakes my mom mailed to Chicago were "da bomb". I felt the words leaving my mouth and I wanted so desperately to stop them but it was too late. Okay. Maybe it's not the same thing because maybe I did need to tell the girls in my small group that I am really hurting. And they didn't laugh at me for them. I did not, however, need to tell Chris that kandykakes were da bomb. And Chris laughed at me. But, you get my point.

Now I just feel really vulnerable and stupid. I know I should be calling some doctors but I don't want to call my primary doctor because I just saw her at the end of December and I was not struggling and hurting like this when I saw her and so I don't want to come across like someone who is always calling the doctor. Plus, I had to wait 2 months to get an evening appointment and I don't have vacation time to have an appointment during the day. It was also pointed out to me that the pill I am on could be contributing to my heightened sense of worthlessness but I hesitate to call my woman's doctor because I just called her today because the bleeding is not stopping and I am cramping really really bad- worse than I was before the pill. When I called I asked if I could switch pills and she asked me to give it another cycle. I am afraid that if I call her again tomorrow she will just tell me that I am worried over nothing like she did this morning.

That's all.

Steelers Win!

The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl!
It is very exciting.

As my dad was saying last night, you cannot be from Pennsylvania and not be excited for the Steelers. This is even if you are from Philadelphia. Every Philadelphia fan in excited for Pittsburgh.

We had people over last night and one woman asked if we were Steelers fans and my dad said, "We are for the Steelers as long as there is no hope for the Eagles. You just have to be for Pennsylvania". So i commented that Jamie is a Steelers fan and my dad said, "Yeah. There's something wrong with her because she is for the Steelers even when the Eagles are still in it." (I think he was refering to last year).

Anyway, we are excited the Steelers are in the Superbowl! What a great time to be from Pennsylvania! We are there 2 years in a row!!

I also want to add that I correctly predicted the winners of both games yesterday. It was also a no brainer but last week was supposed to be a no brainer too so you never really know.

I am now seeing the Steelers go all the way.

Surprises

I did not see this coming. I thought for sure the Colts were going all the way this year. The Steelers just won the game against them! I cannot believe it; I never saw it coming.

I got nervous when the 3rd quarter started and the Steelers were ahead but then the Colts made a brilliant comeback and it really looked like they would at least tie the game.

I guess it was not meant to be. At least it's a good thing for Pennsylvania so I can hope for the Steelers to go all the way now. That will be great having PA in the Superbowl two years in a row.

Talk Like a Philadelphian

In response to my friend Chris Pence's posting about how to tell someone is from Western Pennsylvania I decided to show him how those on the eastern side of the commonwealth speak. I also want him to notice that I am using a song lyric as the title of this posting.
(When I was in 2nd grade I remember hearing a song on Eagle 106 that was sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian" but it replaced the lyrics with "Talk like a Philadelphian".)

In southeastern Pennsylvania you do not have a Grandma and Grandpa. You have a Grandmom and a Grandpop and will be pronounced either "granmom and granpop" or "grammom and grampop". Mine are "Grammom and Grampop". If you do not call your grandparents by these names you call them Mom Mom (pronounced Mum Mum) and Pop Pop.

We wash our clothes. We do not warsh them. When we wash them we use water (pronounced "wooder"). In the summer we enjoy Water Ice and that is pronounced "wooder ice". Because my mom is from Iowa, I never took to saying "wooder" but I will say "wooder ice".

We drink soda. We may even use a "strawl".

Women wear "brawls". A child will "drawl" a "pitcher" (not a picture) with a "crown" instead of a crayon. We eat strawlberries and drink melk.

When you are having steaks for dinner we know it is a steak sandwich. When you go out for steaks we know you are going to a steak house for a steak sandwich too. If you, however, have steak for dinner we know it is a T-bone. The same is true if you are going to a steak house for steak. BUT if you are going to a steak house for a steak then it is a sandwich. It is also assumed that your steak will have cheese on it. Sometimes you will get a mushroom steak or a chicken steak or a pizza steak. If your steak becomes a hoagie only then is it referred to as a cheese steak by calling it a "Cheese Steak Hoagie". We also eat hoagies not subs. A submarine goes under water. They are not sandwiches. That reminds me! We tend to eat samwiches but I think that is common everywhere in the US.

When we say "Mountain" the "t" is implied not pronounced. This is done by keeping the back of your tongue high in the back of your mouth when you say the word. You never touch your teeth with your tongue when there is a "t" in the middle of a word or the end. Other examples of this are "Letter" or "Matt". It almost sounds like a very soft "K" sound... you just don't follow through on making that noise. That makes sense, right?

A group of people is addressed as "Youse guys" not just "youse". It is "youse guys".

Groceries go in bags.

"Root" rhymes with "Route" and has the same "O" sound as "Moon".

The state insect is the "lightning bug". It's not the firefly. And again, the "t" is implied.

1854

On my way into work this morning I learned that the accordion was patented in Philadelphia on this day in 1854.

So, not only was root beer, the soft pretzel, and the cheese steak invented here so was the accordion.

Aren't you so glad I told you?

(Everyone at work laughed at me when I came in the morning and made the anouncement.)

Love

Last night my small group discussed 2nd John. There are 2 main themes of the book: Love and False Prophets/Anti-Christs.

Love is something that is really hard to grasp. We never really think about all that it entails. We all feel the emotion but it is really hard to do. I know I think I am being loving but am I really?

Love is not something that comes easily yet we are commanded to love. In fact, the author even sent the reminder, "This is not a new command".

I'm not really even sure what I am trying to say here. I think it is just that I am going to make a more conscious effort to really show people love and love them like Jesus loves. That means loving them despite their faults or things that drive me nuts. It's hard but that is what God wants from us.

Reminds me, last week, I was talking on the phone to a friend who was complaining about a co-worker. He stated "I know it is just her sin nature that makes her so annoying." I really wanted to tell him that it is probably his sin nature that makes it so he cannot see past the things about her that annoy him but I was at a store and was not in a place where we could have really addressed the issue. Maybe I should call him to discuss this.
Hmmm....

Becoming more like Jesus is hard work!

Scrapbooking

Last night I went to my friend Elisabeth's house to do some scrapbooking. I had so much fun! I can't wait to work on my next scrap book.
Last night's project ended up being the JR/SR banquet from my Junior year of college. I have not looked at those pictures in YEARS. That became the project because the theme went well with the paper I had. Trust me. It makes sense.

Anyway, Elisabeth has a sweet little girl named Grace (or Gracie). She is only 2 and is SO SO funny. I think I might have had more fun playing with her blocks with her than I did scrapbooking... but don't tell Elisabeth. It's just been so long since i got to build block towers with a two year old. We also watched some "Blue's Clues" which was hosted by Steve. All I could think about was the picture of him Becca and I had in our room at college. Those were good times. Then Ashley, Elisabeth's friend, pointed out that he looks JUST like a guy I dated. Scary isn't it???

In other news, I am down 2 more pounds and just .25 pounds away from having lost 10% of my body weight! I am rather encouraged by that.

Not a Total Waste

So, I met this guy Tony. He's a really great guy and we really hit it off. (Not bad tot look at either, I might add). We got to the point where we were talking about every day and emailing eachother even more.
We finally went out on an actual date the day after Christmas and it was a DISASTER! Not really sure who to blame for that, I think it was really just circumstances.
The first problem was we met at a mall... the day after Christmas. Not only did it take no less than 30 minutes to find parking but it was so incredibly packed it was hard to move.
Second problem: We ate at the Rainforest Cafe. It's not a bad place, it is just very distracting and, therefore, not good for a first date because you felt like you were in competition with your environment. There were also many kids around who go excited every time there was a tropical storm, the elephant sounded, or the gorilla screamed. Any one of these three happened every 3-5 minutes and sometimes all at once. Honestly, I think he thought I wanted to go there because I said I had never been there. I also thought he wanted to go there because he made a point of telling me, as soon as I arrived, that the mall had a Rainforest Cafe.
Third problem:We shopped for a birthday present for his mom! Maybe he didn't know what else to do. Maybe, being a guy, he was trying to make the most out of being in the mall. Maybe he just wanted some help. I've never met his mom so I do not know what she likes so I was not too much help.
Fourth problem: I was still grieving my grandfather. I had just spent my first Christmas without Grandpop and had just burried him days before. I was not my usually "chipper" self.
Fifth problem: MS. I have been becoming extemely exhausted after even light activity. I became so fatigued I did not even have energy to speak let alone walk around a crowded mall.

Well, the date ended and he just said "Don't be a stranger." Now what does that mean? He emailed me 4 or 5days later saying he had a good time and I responded but I did not get a response back. Then, out of nowhere, he called me Wednesday night while I was at Ulta with my sister. He even sounded shocked that I was surprised he called. I talked to him for a while but then needed to go because Jamie and I were on our way to see a friend of ours. Plus, it was sister time. He asked me to call him the next day so I did but he wasn't around so I left a message and he has not called me back yet. I do not get men.

The date was not a total waste though. I did find a really great pair of jeans at Banana Republic for $25!!! Did you catch that? A pair of jeans at BANANA REPUBLIC for $25 and they are even a size that I have not fit into since I was 12!

By the way, if anyone wants to give me a little insight into the male mind I would appreciate it. Honestly, I am not expecting anything to come of my relationship with Tony but I would like to understand a little better what he is thinking. Jamie suggested that maybe I gave him signals that I was not interested. Perhaps my fatigue and mourning might have done that. I think there was just a lot of miscommunication.