Breakdown

I have not told too many people this but from what I can tell, over the past couple weeks I have slipped back into a very bad depression. I feel like I cannot do anything but cry anymore. I try to be happy and think of things that I have to be happy about but everything just makes me cry more. It is not very fun. I am just miserable. I feel very alone and scared. I don't have friends close by with whom I can share my feelings or at least feel validated as a person. Last week my mom and dad were telling me how selfish I am so I just broke down and told them that I know I am a worthless person and that I don't have much to live for but I don't need them reminding me about it.

That's what bothers me. I know that God made me and because he made me I am worth something but I just don't feel like I matter to anyone right now. If I was not here I don't think anyone would even notice. I really hate feeling this way because, like I said I know that my life has a purpose and that I wouldn't be here if it didn't but I am having a lot of trouble seeing it.

I am living the lyrics of "Five Stars for Failure" right now.

Anyway, tonight I went to my small group. I love going there. I really look forward to it each week. Well, tonight when we were sharing prayer requests for some reason I asked the girls to pray for me and my depression. I don't know why I did it. It is such a personal thing. (I say this after I confessed to suffering depression immediately after asking for prayer for my chronic bleeding and pelvic pain by the way). But really, admitting to depression is a very vulnerable thing. I don't know why I did it but it came out before I could stop the words. Almost like the time I told Chris P. that some Tastykakes my mom mailed to Chicago were "da bomb". I felt the words leaving my mouth and I wanted so desperately to stop them but it was too late. Okay. Maybe it's not the same thing because maybe I did need to tell the girls in my small group that I am really hurting. And they didn't laugh at me for them. I did not, however, need to tell Chris that kandykakes were da bomb. And Chris laughed at me. But, you get my point.

Now I just feel really vulnerable and stupid. I know I should be calling some doctors but I don't want to call my primary doctor because I just saw her at the end of December and I was not struggling and hurting like this when I saw her and so I don't want to come across like someone who is always calling the doctor. Plus, I had to wait 2 months to get an evening appointment and I don't have vacation time to have an appointment during the day. It was also pointed out to me that the pill I am on could be contributing to my heightened sense of worthlessness but I hesitate to call my woman's doctor because I just called her today because the bleeding is not stopping and I am cramping really really bad- worse than I was before the pill. When I called I asked if I could switch pills and she asked me to give it another cycle. I am afraid that if I call her again tomorrow she will just tell me that I am worried over nothing like she did this morning.

That's all.