Funeral

We burried my grandpop on Tuesday, December 20 and I have so much that needs to be said.

First of all I just need to praise God! He really made his presence known. Just from sharing memories I could tell that God is real and he is there for us and he cares for us. He is so amazing.

I sang "Amazing Grace" and because I had God working with me, I was able to sing the song with a smile on my face and was even able to address the audience and lead them in the last verse. There is NO WAY that was done in my own strength. I was a basketcase before I sang and after I sang. The only way I can explain it is God.

My dad had the difficult part of reading the memories that the family wrote. It was very emotional and he cried several times. I'm not used to seeing him cry. In fact the only other time I saw him cry was when he did the same thing for my Grandma Aschbrenner's funeral. That was his mother-in-law; this was his father... the man who adopted him while he was a teenager and became the only father he ever knew. My Grandpop never once treated him or my uncle as if they were only step children.

My Uncle Vince, who is also a pastor, gave an wonderful sermon. He made some really good points. One of them that stuck out to me was the fact that God gets blamed anytime something bad happens... especially when someone dies. My uncle asked the question, "Why does Satan get off so easily? This was never in God's plan. If we never would have listened to Satan in the first place we would all still be in the garden enjoying life with eachother and with God. But because of sin we have to die." He went on to give the BEST invitation I have ever heard. He just laid it out there that unless you have a relationship with Jesus Christ and believe he is the only way to heaven you are not going to be there. He also reminded us, very effectively for that matter, that my Grandpop had a relationship with Jesus and he is enjoying Heaven right now. The choice we had to make, the choice of deciding between venilators and feeding tubes and a life in heaven was a brainless one. By the time the sermon was over I was so excited for Grandpop and could not wait to get to heaven myself!

Regardless, here it is December 31 and I am still missing Grandpop. We had dinner at my Grandmom's house last night and it was so strange because we all sat in seats that were not our usual "Dinner at Grandmom's" seats. We shared memories and laughed and cried a little. Also yesterday, I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of Grandpop. It was called "When I Get Where I'm Going" by Brad Paisley. It had a couple lines about seeing his grandfather again when he gets to heaven, hugging his neck, and telling how much he's missed him. That made me cry. It's making me cry as I write this.

But I rest in knowing we have hope. God is a good God who loves us and longs to be with us. I will see Grandpop again one day and it will be so wonderful because he finally has a heart that works and he is probably having long talks with God about creation or else just the color blue. He was always a talker.

Until then, I know it is okay to cry.

It Will Get Easier... Can't Wait Until it Does

I told Grandmom I wanted to sing at the funeral. She told me I didn't have to because he's not going to hear me but added it will be nice since he enjoyed hearing me sing. I reiterated that I wanted to.

I decided I will sing "Amazing Grace" and ask people to join me on the last verse. "Amazing Grace" was my choice for a couple reasons. 1)It is a great song and we often are so used to hearing it we don't pay attention to the words. 2)If I get choked up by the last verse, everyone will be singing with me so it will not be as noticable.

This morning I went to my Grandmom's church with her. It was so hard to sing the hymns because I just kept thinking of Grandpop closing his eyes, smiling, and waving his hands back and forth as if he was directing... He did that while he listened to music he enjoyed. Then I remembered that I am not going to see that again.

Even while I am at home I think I am okay then something hits me and I start to cry. It happens while I watch TV or build a fire or make dinner. Other times I step into the backyard and look next door, out of habit, and remember I am not going to see him waving to me.

It will get better. I just have to keep telling myself that.

The Giants

My friend, Tony, invited me to a Giants game this weekend. First of all, you should know that you can't be from Philly or anywhere near Philadelphia and go to a Giants game with a clear conscience unless, as my uncle pointed out, you are going to see the other team.

I didn't tell Tony all of this information but did mention that they did beat the Eagles last weekend so I was not sure. :o) Honestly, I am going to betray the home town here but I wanted to go. I just assumed that it was a Sunday night and knew that I had work in the morning and was unsure about a 2.5 hour drive afterward and also did not know what was going on with my Grandpop so I declined the offer.

Well, I just finished watching the Patriots' game and the Giants came on! Seeing how everything worked out I suppose I could have gone but I still think it is better that I am here. Not only for my family but to keep my home town conscience clear. :o)

Home

My Grandpop went home at about 2:30 this afternoon. He must have known it was okay to leave us because it was only an hour and a half after the machines were removed from his body.

What a relief he must be feeling as he is gazing into Jesus eyes and seeing Heaven at last.

I miss him already. I was so fortunate to have him in my life and I am so much more fortunate than any of my sisters or cousins because being the first grandchild I knew him the longest!

Final Decision

After seeing the way Grandpop responded to the weaning process (is it "weaning" or "weening") we've decided that it is cruel to keep him living. Last night, before we left the hospital we told him it was okay to die and go to heaven and that we will be okay. Then we prayed that God would just take him.

That did not happen.

So, we told the doctors and nurses to give him morphene and remove the life support. He should live for at least 24 hours breathing on his own but his heart is only functioning at 20% of its capacity. We'll see. We are thinking a funeral on Tuesday or Wednesday depending on when God decides to take him from us.

I was able to go to his room this week with a hymnal and sing to him. I paged through and sang about everything I knew and even sang Christmas carols to him. He did open his eyes for me but he did not realize he had done so. It was hard but, though he didn't realize he opened his eyes, I know he heard me.

I think I am ready to sing at his funeral now.

Nearing the End

I have a lot to say but think I am only going to write that my dad and uncle decided to start weening my grandpop off of the venilator today. It's only a matter of time now.

Thoughts

My grandpop is in a coma right now. They don't expect him to wake from it and they also said there was significant brain damage. Seems he went into cardiac arrest and right Grandmom needs to decide if she wants them to recussitate him if it happens again. I don't envy her because that cannot be an easy decision. You want your husband to live but you want him the way he was but you also do not want to feel like you are sentencing him to death.

I keep trying to tell myself that I should be jealous because he is going to see Heaven before any of us! Can you imagine what he is going to experience yet, here we are trying to keep him confined to a hospital bed and attached to a ventilator? I guess we can be so selfish because we have not experienced heaven yet and do not fully understand what is awaiting him. We only know what it is like to have him with us.

Grandmom asked me if I would sing "Because He Lives" at his funeral. I am not ready for questions like that.

Grandpop is Sick

This evening the ambulance came and took my grandpop to the hospital. His heart first started beating abnormally then he passed out and stopped breathing.

In the hospital, they were able to get his heart beating again but it is very irregular. They do not think he will make it through the night. The doctor already warned us.

I'm scared. I am not ready to lose Grandpop. Especially not so close to Christmas... but I guess no time is a good time.

New Hair

Gina, my hairdresser, had time to fit me in this evening.

I've been wanting my hair cut for a very long time! After I saw pictures of myself at Travis' wedding I knew my hair had gotten far too long! So, I went to Gina's and she cut it! And she cut a lot off! She took about 5 or 6 inches off!

Because my hair is so light in color, I asked her to put some low lights into my hair to give it more depth but she refused telling me that she loved my natural hair color and I should not change it. I guess I am just destined to remain blonde. There could be worse things.

I am very happy with the result. It looks really cute. It falls just below my chin and is slightly layered with the back longer than the front. The back is just shoulder length. She also used a razor so it flips a little bit.

If I had a digital camera I would post a picture... but I don't so my description is going to have to do.

In other news, I lost another pound this week! That's 11 pounds!!

Christmas Tree

This year I picked the family Christmas tree out all on my own. (We have never been too sentimental about the choosing of the tree). I chose the Fire House across the street as the recipient of my purchase because all proceeds would go to the volunteer fire house.

I looked and looked and finally decided on a 7 foot tree that was the fattest, fullest tree I could find. The guys wrapped it and loaded it onto my pickup. Mom and I carried it to the front porch. Dad came home and trimmed the lower branches and brought it inside and placed it in the stand. Then he removed the netting while Mom and I were in the kitchen making cookies.

Mom looked out at the tree and started to laugh! "Tracie, that is a little tree" she said. Both she and my dad think it is too small!!

Sure, I admit it's not as big as ones they've had in years past but this one was bought with good intentions! It was also the prettiest tree on the lot and it is now in our living room!

Just wait until it is decorated! It'll leave lots of room for lights!

Taj Mahal Here I Come!

I am going to Atlantic City!!!

While I was scanning some stuff this morning a man walked in and said, "Hello Tracie". I had no idea who he was but I still smiled and said "Hello" right back. When someone says hello to you by name you cannot ask them who they are. You just can't.

The man went into Oley's office causing me the think that I should know who that man was. So, I asked the people who work in the front and they told me it was Bob, one of the sales reps! Now, I am the sales assistant. I should have known who he was!

So, I went into Oley's office and said "You know what? I did not know that was Bob in your office. I think I should have known that and, therefore, I think I should go to Atlantic City so I can know who the rest of the reps are."

He just laughed at me and said, "Well, I guess you can come for Tuesday night. Can you tend bar?"

It should be a good time.

Christmas Decorating!!

I am staying late at work tonight... and it is voluntary!

A few of us are going to decorate the office for Christmas tonight! I am very excited. I brought in all of my Christmas music and am ready to sing all night long!

One of the girls brought some eggnog and a BIG bottle of rum! Last night she sent her husband out to pick it up and he returned with a monstrous size bottle. When she brought it in this morning the other 3 of us just laughed. Steph commented that when people come in tomorrow nothing will be decorated because we are going to have to finish that bottle! (Purely joking of course!) Then at lunch today, Elizabeth went out and bought some Chaser tablets for all of us! That was really funny!

Even if the alchohol was not included I would still be looking forward to decorating tonight. I love it!

Taj Mahal

Next week the New Jersey Turfgrass Association is hosting the annual Turfgrass Expo at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.

When I started here, Oley (the guy I work with) told me that I would be attending and so, naturally, I was looking forward to it. This week, however, he told me that I don't need to go to this one but I can go to the next one. The next one is going to be in King of Prussia! I'm not excited about going to King of Prussia! I am there all the time! I wanted to go to Atlantic City, namely the Taj Mahal!

I've only been in the casino there. I wanted to see the rest of the place. Donald Trump opened it many years ago. I think I was 14 or 15 at the time but I remember it was such a big deal... he even had a geni at the opening. I don't know why I remember this stupid stuff.

Anyway, yesterday I found out that the guys just party the whole time they are at those expos and there are very few women there. It's turf grass. How many women do you expect? He is probably trying to protect me or else keep me naive to what goes on! But, now I really want to go!!

I admit the expo will be boring but I really wanted to go to familiarize myself with the industry both the products and the vendors. I really did want that before I knew it was just a party in the evenings.