An Amazing Woman

When I broke up with Dave, I told him that I am an amazing woman and I deserve to be with someone who knows how amazing I am. When I told my roommate about what I told him she laughed at me and said something along the lines of "Well, I'm glad you are able to say that. That is not so easy for people to believe for themselves" so I told her that it didn't matter if you believe it or not, you have to make yourself believe it. Each time you look in the mirror you have to tell yourself "I am amazing". She still said "It's nice that you have the self esteem for that".

Well, that conversation was just the beginning for me. I realized that I never thought of myself as an amazing woman until I told Dave so. Also, those of you who know me well know that I have very low self esteem and that this is a constant struggle for me. So, like I said, this conversation with Stef was just the beginning for me.

On Friday after Valentines day (2/15), my friend Amanda came over to hang out with me because I was feeling very sad about the ending of a relationship. Even if it turned out to be a bad relationship, it was still sad to know that I am not going to talk to him again. We had a great time eating pizza and cheetos and just talking. Really talking.

The more I talked about Dave, the more I realized how much better off I am. What's even more, I realized that I have a message to share with every woman I meet. You are amazing. You are amazing because you are you. The moment you do not think of yourself as amazing you are downplaying your worth and you will settle for less than you deserve. Women deserve men who are going to treat them like the treasures they are.

This goes beyond relationships too. It applies to everything in life. Women need to know how amazing they are, especially Christian women becuase we are God's children chosen by him. You were CHOSEN by God himself! If that does not make you amazing, I don't know what does.

So, now I have decided to preach this to everyone I meet. Seriously, I do. I intend to do a workshop with the women in EPIC, sort of a woman empowering workshop where women walk out knowing that they can't settle for less than they deserve.

I want to write more, but my strength is really not back yet and this topic is wearing me out!

The Right Thing

So, last night I called Dave. I called him because he made plans with his mom for valentine's day, after he had been away in Tahoe for a week and had not seen me in 2 weeks. After discussing my "issues" with a few people, I decided that talking with him about my concerns would really just be a waste of an evening for both me and for him and that I just needed to end things right away, even if it was over the phone.

We ended up talking on my way home from work. I had to pull of to the side of the road because he couldn't wait until I got home because he was going to head straight to his mom's. *jerk*

Anyway, I told him that I was hurt that he did not make plans with me. Not just because he chose to make plans with his mom instead of me on valentine's day, but really because he did not make plans to see me when he returned knowing that we have not seen eachother in 2 weeks and that this has been an ongoing concern of mine, and that even though I address it with him, it still continues.

He told me that he really likes me and is sorry that I feel that I am unimportant in his life, but he realized while he was in Tahoe that he really thinks of me more as a friend rather than a girlfriend because we have great conversations on religion, politics, economics, movies, etc but, because we have not slept together, he has not been able to think of me as more than a friend.

I told him that I can't keep this up and that we need to end it.

Now I am really sad, even though I know I did the right thing. I deserve better. I deserve so much better.

I know this, but why can't I stop crying?

Valentines Day

I have decided that I am going to break up with Dave. It's a very long and complicated story and I might write about it later, but I have come to the conclusion that I am an incredible person and I need to be with someone who realizes what an incredible person I am.

A Bad One

I am having one of the worst relapses I have had in a very long time. This time I just keep losing all of my energy. Granted, I usually lose engergy during relapses, this one is just different. Usually, my body adjusts to the level of energy I am able to exert and I am able to function reasonably well without getting exhausted, but not this time!

This time, the littlest things wear me out. It started on Monday and by Thursday, I needed to leave work by 11:00 and could not even make it in on Friday. On Saturday, the only thing I could do was go to the car dealership to get my clock looked at and the post office, then I was done for the rest of the day... and it was only noon.

On Sunday, I got someone to fill in for me in Sunday School and did end up going to EPIC, but I could not sit through the entire thing! I needed to leave before the guy was done speaking and found someone to take over as discussion leader in my group. It was bad, but it got worse even!
I had to go to my mom's because it was her birthday and by the time I made it up there I could barely make it in the door because I was so tired. I got inside and had to lie down immediately and all I could do was cry. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't laugh. I couldn't even lift the remote to watch TV. All I could do was cry.

Oh wait! It gets worse.

Dave called me and all I could do was cry. The poor guy thought he did something wrong but I kept trying to explain to him that I was just so tired I couldn't do anything but cry and couldn't stop, but that is a hard thing to explain if you have not experienced that sensation yourself.
Then, he tried to make me laugh (he's good at that) but I had to beg him to stop because the energy it took to laugh was much more than I could give. I just needed to be still and that is just a really hard thing to do! Try it sometime.

Just try to imagine how difficult it can be to function when just blinking your eyes or holding your head upright is more stength than you have. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. I wish I had a better way to explain it too. Even right now as I am typing I am feeling the strength leave my body. It's very strange, especially because today I am feeling so much better than I was just yesterday (when I made it to 4:00 at work! Woo Hoo!!) but I am not nearly at 100% yet.

I can jsut tell this is going to be a very long relapse and to be perfectly honest and frank, I am not looking forward to it. I want to go to the Auto Show. I want to go to a party this weekend. I want to make valentine cards. Hell! I just want to go to the grocery store, but there is no way I am making it though the aisles.

Oh well. I know the routine by now. Just wait until I get strength and be content with the abilities I do have because I do have a lot! I am able to see! I am able to talk and communicate! I may lose my strength, but I am not incopacitated so there is still a lot to be thankful for.