It Will Get Easier... Can't Wait Until it Does

I told Grandmom I wanted to sing at the funeral. She told me I didn't have to because he's not going to hear me but added it will be nice since he enjoyed hearing me sing. I reiterated that I wanted to.

I decided I will sing "Amazing Grace" and ask people to join me on the last verse. "Amazing Grace" was my choice for a couple reasons. 1)It is a great song and we often are so used to hearing it we don't pay attention to the words. 2)If I get choked up by the last verse, everyone will be singing with me so it will not be as noticable.

This morning I went to my Grandmom's church with her. It was so hard to sing the hymns because I just kept thinking of Grandpop closing his eyes, smiling, and waving his hands back and forth as if he was directing... He did that while he listened to music he enjoyed. Then I remembered that I am not going to see that again.

Even while I am at home I think I am okay then something hits me and I start to cry. It happens while I watch TV or build a fire or make dinner. Other times I step into the backyard and look next door, out of habit, and remember I am not going to see him waving to me.

It will get better. I just have to keep telling myself that.