A Bad One

I am having one of the worst relapses I have had in a very long time. This time I just keep losing all of my energy. Granted, I usually lose engergy during relapses, this one is just different. Usually, my body adjusts to the level of energy I am able to exert and I am able to function reasonably well without getting exhausted, but not this time!

This time, the littlest things wear me out. It started on Monday and by Thursday, I needed to leave work by 11:00 and could not even make it in on Friday. On Saturday, the only thing I could do was go to the car dealership to get my clock looked at and the post office, then I was done for the rest of the day... and it was only noon.

On Sunday, I got someone to fill in for me in Sunday School and did end up going to EPIC, but I could not sit through the entire thing! I needed to leave before the guy was done speaking and found someone to take over as discussion leader in my group. It was bad, but it got worse even!
I had to go to my mom's because it was her birthday and by the time I made it up there I could barely make it in the door because I was so tired. I got inside and had to lie down immediately and all I could do was cry. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't laugh. I couldn't even lift the remote to watch TV. All I could do was cry.

Oh wait! It gets worse.

Dave called me and all I could do was cry. The poor guy thought he did something wrong but I kept trying to explain to him that I was just so tired I couldn't do anything but cry and couldn't stop, but that is a hard thing to explain if you have not experienced that sensation yourself.
Then, he tried to make me laugh (he's good at that) but I had to beg him to stop because the energy it took to laugh was much more than I could give. I just needed to be still and that is just a really hard thing to do! Try it sometime.

Just try to imagine how difficult it can be to function when just blinking your eyes or holding your head upright is more stength than you have. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. I wish I had a better way to explain it too. Even right now as I am typing I am feeling the strength leave my body. It's very strange, especially because today I am feeling so much better than I was just yesterday (when I made it to 4:00 at work! Woo Hoo!!) but I am not nearly at 100% yet.

I can jsut tell this is going to be a very long relapse and to be perfectly honest and frank, I am not looking forward to it. I want to go to the Auto Show. I want to go to a party this weekend. I want to make valentine cards. Hell! I just want to go to the grocery store, but there is no way I am making it though the aisles.

Oh well. I know the routine by now. Just wait until I get strength and be content with the abilities I do have because I do have a lot! I am able to see! I am able to talk and communicate! I may lose my strength, but I am not incopacitated so there is still a lot to be thankful for.