Stream of Consciousness

I went to church last night for the first time since I made my decision to move back ot Philadelphia. (I made my decision a week ago today.) I decided that I love Willow Creek (not that I did not know that before) but that there is something else out there for me. I don't know what yet. Still, I am hoping that my going home is a temporary solution and that I will be able to come back by this time next year. I realize this is what I am thinking now and that I may find that I actually enjoy myself when I get home (there's a concept) and might not want to come back.

I'm feeling that I need to be away from my family to be myself because I feel that I need to guard myself too much when I am home. Does that make sense? Right now I go to Philadelphia and visit and comfort myself by knowing that it is only a visit and that I am going to be back in Chicago soon. Maybe, if I get a place of my own back in Philly I will have the same feeling of freedom instead of the feeling of being trapped.

I'm nervous. Can you tell?

There was a guest speaker last night and he was really good. He spoke about God molding pots out of clay and what it means to be the clay. It's not easy. Your life gets turned around. You get hurt. But, he makes you beautiful because he is the potter and knows what he is doing. I think that is what I am going through right now. It's a time where God is working extra hard to mold me into something and it is difficult. It hurts.

I got the CD of the service afterward because the message was so good.

I saw one of the girls I used to lead in Student Impact. She seems to be doing well. She has a new boyfriend now and he was with her. That girl always has a boyfriend but at least this one goes to church and is active at that. She says that none of the kids from our house group last year are going to house group anymore. They are all attending Axis instead.

I'm not too suprised to hear that because I know those kids were wanting something more than the Impact Curriculum was providing and we, the leaders, were told not to study other stuff with them. The way I saw it, if the kids want something deeper give it to them! It's too bad the governing leadership of Impact did not feel that way. I'm sure they had their reasons. Still, Willow's mission is to take irreligious people and help them become fully devoted Christ Followers and if curriculum provided did not allow for spiritual growth for kids who sought more, was Impact meeting Willow's mission? I can't help but wonder if I had continued to volunteer as a leader if things in that house group would have been different but then I think realistically and come to the conclussion that it probably would not have. My hands would have been tied.

I want to do something with High School kids at the next church I go to.

Last Friday, I told a friend that I was leaving and he asked if my church was okay with that and if I had to get permission to leave. I assured him (again) that Willow Creek is not a cult that obsesses with the whereabouts of its members. It's just a church that happens to be significantly larger than most.

I went to the Sponge Reef to sing after church because I wanted to practice some songs and gage audience response to know what I should sing in the contest. The Reef is a good place to do that because people don't usually pay attention to the singers there but if you stand out they let you know. I decided that I will sing "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" because EVERYONE there was paying attention and cheering. Good indicator that I have a good song. Plus, when I sat down, this girl, Holly, told me that was the best song she's heard me do and that I should do that one in the contest.

The guy doing the contest called me to remind me about it so I asked him what the criteria was and he told me 1) How well I know the song 2) Performance 3) Audience participation.

I know "Independence Day" and "Broken Wing" so well I could sing them backward on my head but "It's All Coming Back" has such emotion it is hard not to get into the song and the crowd always responds positively so I think that will be the best bet.

In between church and the Reef I stopped by Jenna's place to give her some shampoo because I was packing and found that I had an inordinate amount of shampoo, conditioner and mousse. I wish I could explain why but I don't have a good enough reason except that it was on sale and I had to stock up. I have this sick tendency to by hair products when they are on sale. Do you remember at Greenville when I had that huge box of shampoo? It was like that except this was all Pantene products, not Suave or White Rain, and more than just shampoo and conditioner.

I had several products that help keep hair straight and smooth. This is one that confuses even me because I have the straightest hair anyone could want, so why would I want it to be sleeker? I used it once and it just made my hair flatter than flat. I gave all of that stuff to Jenna because she complains about her hair. She got shampoo, conditioner, 2-in-1, mousse and deep conditioner from the "Sleek and Smooth" line from Pantene. Yes, I had all of that stuff. See, I'm crazy!

I originally titled this post "Thoughts" but then I remembered a conversation I had last Friday about Herman Melville and his writing style. I saw that I am pretty much writing about anything that comes into my head so I fugured "Stream of Consciousness" is a more appropriate title.

It reminds me of a sketch on the Kids in the Hall. (Imagine!) In it, Kevin McDonald plays an famous author who just published his first book after years of writer's block. In the book he unintentionally writes about struggling though the writer's block. "The night was dark like...like.. uh... like... think! It was dark like what?... Gotta keep writing through the block." It was funny. Almost as funny as when Scott Thompson played a character who wrote horror novels. The first was "Boo!" followed by the ever so scary "There's a Spider on Your Back!". My favorite was when cars where driving off the road when the drivers were listening to the audio version of the books. Good stuff.